My Web Site.
http://www.help-with-challenging-behaviour.co.uk/
Saturday 20 June 2015
Parental Alienation
Jeanette Forsyth Study: June 2015
Parental Alienation -Children with Trauma and Attachment Disorders.
This investigative research is looking at Parental Alienation occurring in Child Adult relationships. Looking mainly in the relationships that are from Children and Adults with a History including Adoption, Trauma and Attachment Disorders.
Children have the ability especially when trauma and attachment disorders have occurred to go through complete alienation or demonising of an adult. This looks at some of the areas and discusses finding thus far.
Definition:
Alienation in a family is very difficult, one parent becoming the 'hero' 'the Saint' 'the good one' and the one that is idolised. The other parent portrayed as 'the monster', 'the demon', 'the bad one' thus alienated.
For the parent they can do no right, everything they do is wrong, they are portrayed often as something totally away from their character or being or way of behaving.
Not only is the child alienating but they spin a web around to contaminate others, who then in return also start to alienate the Parent. This can be friends, family, Professionals involved. It can be a very unsettling time for the person being alienated and often they find themselves in situations they really don't understand. It can be very emotionally damaging for all concerned. The Alienated Parent can be the target of aggression and violence.
The idolised parent will also start to behave in an alienating way towards the child being sucked into the controlled, manipulative behavioural demands of the child. The child will have very good noticeable manipulation skills and controlling behaviour.
Example:
Alienated Parent has asked the child for an item, the child is withdrawing from the Parent, Child refuses to acknowledge or respond to the Alienated parent. Second, third fourth time asked to hand over, still refusal ( defiant and not compliant, oppositional), next time parent says crossly; it needs to be given. Child refuses. On idolised parent approaches, Child voices and exaggerates that alienated parent is screaming and shouting for something that is not theirs (it is not the child's either it belongs to the Idolised parent) that is needed.
Idolised parent intervenes asking from child who gives immediately, (they had hidden it from alienated parent on coming upstairs knowing they were coming for it) saying it was not alienated parents, alienated parent screamed and shouted (exaggeration as they were using a cross voice not shouting).
Idolised parent says to alienated parent that they should not be screaming and shouting at the child (collusion and cohesion). For child this becomes divide and conquer between idolised parent and alienated parent.
Idolised parent feels that alienated parent needs to stop behaviour and conflict (described by child's thought and reality). Child feels more power as the division has worked as well further demonising the alienated parent (this unknown to the child makes it a more scary place to be).
The alienated parent does not understand what just happened (often bewildered on why a simple thing has gone so wrong with so much upset) other than child disobeyed a request and they themselves were the one found to be in the wrong (scratching head come to mind).
Gardener (1980) discusses alienation in parents that are separated, however these traits can be found in Children who are in a cycle of Alienation to their Carers.
Signs of Alienation.
The child denigrates the alienated parent with foul swearing language, severe oppositional behaviour and name calling to enhance their perceived power.
Versus
The child will joke and be engaging to the idolised parent, complying willingly to requests, will engage in tasks that have been asked of previously by the alienated parent ( often without question or opposition).
The child offers weak, absurd, or frivolous reasons for his or her anger. Leaving the Alienated parent bewildered on what just happened and why a statement or question or request to do, led to huge anger reactions often parent being hurt with a violent act.
Versus
The child's version and perception of events is they had to do as the other person was at fault and to blame. There is no ownership of what happened. The idolised parent and professionals reaction and view tends to be that the alienated parent must of done something to cause this. That the alienated parent is not being truthful, where actually it is the demonising perception of the child, which is then unmeaningly supported by the idolised parent, family or professional, setting off further demonisation of the alienated parent. Giving the impression the child's thought process was correct.
The child is sure of himself or herself in thought and doesn't no show or demonstrate ambivalence, i.e. love and hate for the alienated parent. The only feeling for the Alienated parent is hate and at times is quite venomous, pay back revengeful behaviours are seen, though the Alienated parent on majority of occasions in fact has not done anything outside normal parenting. (The sins of past others are played out onto the representing figure, for example- abusive birth Mother is transferred to adopted Mother.) This can change however if the child 'needs something' or 'needs to be met' they then can be charming, giving the Alienated parent false hopes in the relationship.
The child alone comes up with ideas of denigration. The "independent-thinker" phenomenon is where the child asserts that no one told him to do this (Gardener 1980). They of course have learnt to become this way by learning the skills from their environment; TV, Games, internet can have an impact. However the attitude of the idolised parent, friends and family can impact the perception of the child by enhancing it by their say and reaction to that of the Alienated parent. The child thinking they are right and the Alienated parent wrong, thus behaviour repeats and possibly increases as no boundary or help for the Alienated parent was put in place.
The child does not demonstrate guilt over cruelty towards the alienated parent. There is no remorse at all for the treatment towards the Alienated parent and no guilt or ownership owned by the child often remarking 'they deserve it". They lock into the denial discounting and ownership of what they do (shame cycle) and further blame the Alienated parent often voicing "she/he made me get angry" "you made me hit you. This of course we know us impossible, that you can't make or move physically the way someone reacts with their body, and you can't say words that come out of the child's mouth (blame rather than ownership).
The child uses borrowed scenarios, or vividly describes situations that he or she could not have experienced (Gardener 1980). Fact and fantasy are distorted through the perception of Alienation, for their own gain of power and control together with the lack of guilt and remorse. They believe in their theory that the Alienated parent is a risk to the self.
Animosity is spread to the friends and/or extended family of the alienated parent (Gardener 1980). This is the child's view perception and cohesion and collusion of others around them lacking in understanding due to not having an understanding of what they are doing. This adds to the child's alienation of the parent.
The child if challenged they will be in denial of, as it is their reality and perception; therefore deem it is not them but the Adult. Psychologist interventions or attachment specialists would have to work with the distorted view point and underlying issues. This handled carefully can shift the child's root causes and then the Alienation of the Parent. Family therapy input would be of benefit for the family to re connect the dynamics within the family. It is often seen in differing styles of parenting between the parents, Pessimistic Parenting (anything for an easy life gives into the child's demands) and Authoritative (instructs the child, using life skills and personal goals to keep on track and do).
Though the Parental alienation disorder (PAS) has been dismissed by WHO; it is seen in triads of relationships especially when Trauma is involved (it is seen in many Adopted family dynamics). Further studies need to be done to enhance the theory and the practical help than can be given. Gardener (1980) study is more about Parental separation and the alienation affect, collusion of one parent to another within Divorce rather than my study which is looking at the pre existing trauma effects on Child Parent relationships which Alienation occurs. Faller (1998) discuss divorce with Parental Alienation however makes some links when trauma is involved.
References:
Gardner, RA (2001). "Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS): Sixteen Years Later". Academy Forum 45 (1): 10–12. Retrieved 2009-03-31.
Further reading resources:
Bernet, W (2008). "Parental Alienation Disorder and DSM-V". The American Journal of Family Therapy 36 (5): 349–366. doi:10.1080/01926180802405513.
Faller, KC (1998). "The parental alienation syndrome: What is it and what data support it?" (PDF). Child Maltreatment 3 (2): 100–115. doi:10.1177/1077559598003002005.
Parental Alienation -Children with Trauma and Attachment Disorders.
This investigative research is looking at Parental Alienation occurring in Child Adult relationships. Looking mainly in the relationships that are from Children and Adults with a History including Adoption, Trauma and Attachment Disorders.
Children have the ability especially when trauma and attachment disorders have occurred to go through complete alienation or demonising of an adult. This looks at some of the areas and discusses finding thus far.
Definition:
Alienation in a family is very difficult, one parent becoming the 'hero' 'the Saint' 'the good one' and the one that is idolised. The other parent portrayed as 'the monster', 'the demon', 'the bad one' thus alienated.
For the parent they can do no right, everything they do is wrong, they are portrayed often as something totally away from their character or being or way of behaving.
Not only is the child alienating but they spin a web around to contaminate others, who then in return also start to alienate the Parent. This can be friends, family, Professionals involved. It can be a very unsettling time for the person being alienated and often they find themselves in situations they really don't understand. It can be very emotionally damaging for all concerned. The Alienated Parent can be the target of aggression and violence.
The idolised parent will also start to behave in an alienating way towards the child being sucked into the controlled, manipulative behavioural demands of the child. The child will have very good noticeable manipulation skills and controlling behaviour.
Example:
Alienated Parent has asked the child for an item, the child is withdrawing from the Parent, Child refuses to acknowledge or respond to the Alienated parent. Second, third fourth time asked to hand over, still refusal ( defiant and not compliant, oppositional), next time parent says crossly; it needs to be given. Child refuses. On idolised parent approaches, Child voices and exaggerates that alienated parent is screaming and shouting for something that is not theirs (it is not the child's either it belongs to the Idolised parent) that is needed.
Idolised parent intervenes asking from child who gives immediately, (they had hidden it from alienated parent on coming upstairs knowing they were coming for it) saying it was not alienated parents, alienated parent screamed and shouted (exaggeration as they were using a cross voice not shouting).
Idolised parent says to alienated parent that they should not be screaming and shouting at the child (collusion and cohesion). For child this becomes divide and conquer between idolised parent and alienated parent.
Idolised parent feels that alienated parent needs to stop behaviour and conflict (described by child's thought and reality). Child feels more power as the division has worked as well further demonising the alienated parent (this unknown to the child makes it a more scary place to be).
The alienated parent does not understand what just happened (often bewildered on why a simple thing has gone so wrong with so much upset) other than child disobeyed a request and they themselves were the one found to be in the wrong (scratching head come to mind).
Gardener (1980) discusses alienation in parents that are separated, however these traits can be found in Children who are in a cycle of Alienation to their Carers.
Signs of Alienation.
The child denigrates the alienated parent with foul swearing language, severe oppositional behaviour and name calling to enhance their perceived power.
Versus
The child will joke and be engaging to the idolised parent, complying willingly to requests, will engage in tasks that have been asked of previously by the alienated parent ( often without question or opposition).
The child offers weak, absurd, or frivolous reasons for his or her anger. Leaving the Alienated parent bewildered on what just happened and why a statement or question or request to do, led to huge anger reactions often parent being hurt with a violent act.
Versus
The child's version and perception of events is they had to do as the other person was at fault and to blame. There is no ownership of what happened. The idolised parent and professionals reaction and view tends to be that the alienated parent must of done something to cause this. That the alienated parent is not being truthful, where actually it is the demonising perception of the child, which is then unmeaningly supported by the idolised parent, family or professional, setting off further demonisation of the alienated parent. Giving the impression the child's thought process was correct.
The child is sure of himself or herself in thought and doesn't no show or demonstrate ambivalence, i.e. love and hate for the alienated parent. The only feeling for the Alienated parent is hate and at times is quite venomous, pay back revengeful behaviours are seen, though the Alienated parent on majority of occasions in fact has not done anything outside normal parenting. (The sins of past others are played out onto the representing figure, for example- abusive birth Mother is transferred to adopted Mother.) This can change however if the child 'needs something' or 'needs to be met' they then can be charming, giving the Alienated parent false hopes in the relationship.
The child alone comes up with ideas of denigration. The "independent-thinker" phenomenon is where the child asserts that no one told him to do this (Gardener 1980). They of course have learnt to become this way by learning the skills from their environment; TV, Games, internet can have an impact. However the attitude of the idolised parent, friends and family can impact the perception of the child by enhancing it by their say and reaction to that of the Alienated parent. The child thinking they are right and the Alienated parent wrong, thus behaviour repeats and possibly increases as no boundary or help for the Alienated parent was put in place.
The child does not demonstrate guilt over cruelty towards the alienated parent. There is no remorse at all for the treatment towards the Alienated parent and no guilt or ownership owned by the child often remarking 'they deserve it". They lock into the denial discounting and ownership of what they do (shame cycle) and further blame the Alienated parent often voicing "she/he made me get angry" "you made me hit you. This of course we know us impossible, that you can't make or move physically the way someone reacts with their body, and you can't say words that come out of the child's mouth (blame rather than ownership).
The child uses borrowed scenarios, or vividly describes situations that he or she could not have experienced (Gardener 1980). Fact and fantasy are distorted through the perception of Alienation, for their own gain of power and control together with the lack of guilt and remorse. They believe in their theory that the Alienated parent is a risk to the self.
Animosity is spread to the friends and/or extended family of the alienated parent (Gardener 1980). This is the child's view perception and cohesion and collusion of others around them lacking in understanding due to not having an understanding of what they are doing. This adds to the child's alienation of the parent.
The child if challenged they will be in denial of, as it is their reality and perception; therefore deem it is not them but the Adult. Psychologist interventions or attachment specialists would have to work with the distorted view point and underlying issues. This handled carefully can shift the child's root causes and then the Alienation of the Parent. Family therapy input would be of benefit for the family to re connect the dynamics within the family. It is often seen in differing styles of parenting between the parents, Pessimistic Parenting (anything for an easy life gives into the child's demands) and Authoritative (instructs the child, using life skills and personal goals to keep on track and do).
Though the Parental alienation disorder (PAS) has been dismissed by WHO; it is seen in triads of relationships especially when Trauma is involved (it is seen in many Adopted family dynamics). Further studies need to be done to enhance the theory and the practical help than can be given. Gardener (1980) study is more about Parental separation and the alienation affect, collusion of one parent to another within Divorce rather than my study which is looking at the pre existing trauma effects on Child Parent relationships which Alienation occurs. Faller (1998) discuss divorce with Parental Alienation however makes some links when trauma is involved.
References:
Gardner, RA (2001). "Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS): Sixteen Years Later". Academy Forum 45 (1): 10–12. Retrieved 2009-03-31.
Further reading resources:
Bernet, W (2008). "Parental Alienation Disorder and DSM-V". The American Journal of Family Therapy 36 (5): 349–366. doi:10.1080/01926180802405513.
Faller, KC (1998). "The parental alienation syndrome: What is it and what data support it?" (PDF). Child Maltreatment 3 (2): 100–115. doi:10.1177/1077559598003002005.
Saturday 13 June 2015
Unconditional Positive Regard for one another
It's something every human needs to flourish but how often is it given? Children florish when the have it, but do they get it from their social others or the environment they live in? Adult too flourish when unconditional positive regard has been given.
So what is Positive Regard?
Respect for another person. Being non-judgmental and impartial with the person on their take of life.
Taking a person as who they are in the here and now, the whole person in that moment of time regardless to their actions and what they are saying. Giving a message of I accept you no matter what.
What is Unconditional? Valuing a person and accepting them as a unique individual without expected conditions. Acceptance of another person, and their views, opinions and beliefs the whole of them. Nurturing and caring for another person at that moment in time, and being conscious of their needs rather than your own.
Allowing a child or an adult a voice accepting of it even if it's wrong. Validation of their thought or action without imposition or judgement whilst bring in your own view point.
Example:
A 2year old Child has filled all the family shoes with water. They worked out that 5 of their shoes filled Daddies. Most parents would get cross with the thought of a soaking wet floor and the families shoes all wet .
Maths and Science is the basis of how a child learns and children will find a way to explore getting into what at face value us mischief. Most families would punish for such an act. But we need to look beyond that. Conditions of worth are put on with no positive regard to what the child has done or learnt.
Validation that they are doing maths, validation they could count upto 5 by themselves, validation that working out by filling small and tipping into large means you get more. But saying kindly that the hall way is not a good place for water play giving a suggestion of the bath tub or the outside.
By replacing shoes with tubs of varying sizes so they can continue their science project in a less harming way as the family need dry shoes would be in the end far more productive.
So what is Positive Regard?
Respect for another person. Being non-judgmental and impartial with the person on their take of life.
Taking a person as who they are in the here and now, the whole person in that moment of time regardless to their actions and what they are saying. Giving a message of I accept you no matter what.
What is Unconditional? Valuing a person and accepting them as a unique individual without expected conditions. Acceptance of another person, and their views, opinions and beliefs the whole of them. Nurturing and caring for another person at that moment in time, and being conscious of their needs rather than your own.
Allowing a child or an adult a voice accepting of it even if it's wrong. Validation of their thought or action without imposition or judgement whilst bring in your own view point.
Example:
A 2year old Child has filled all the family shoes with water. They worked out that 5 of their shoes filled Daddies. Most parents would get cross with the thought of a soaking wet floor and the families shoes all wet .
Maths and Science is the basis of how a child learns and children will find a way to explore getting into what at face value us mischief. Most families would punish for such an act. But we need to look beyond that. Conditions of worth are put on with no positive regard to what the child has done or learnt.
Validation that they are doing maths, validation they could count upto 5 by themselves, validation that working out by filling small and tipping into large means you get more. But saying kindly that the hall way is not a good place for water play giving a suggestion of the bath tub or the outside.
By replacing shoes with tubs of varying sizes so they can continue their science project in a less harming way as the family need dry shoes would be in the end far more productive.
Thursday 11 June 2015
Bruene Brown TED talk on shame script.
0:13
I'm going to tell you a little bit about my TEDxHouston Talk. I woke up the morning after I gave that talk with the worst vulnerability hangover of my life. And I actually didn't leave my house for about three days.
0:31
The first time I left was to meet a friend for lunch. And when I walked in, she was already at the table. I sat down, and she said, "God, you look like hell." I said, "Thanks. I feel really -- I'm not functioning." And she said, "What's going on?" And I said, "I just told 500 people that I became a researcher to avoid vulnerability. And that when being vulnerable emerged from my data, as absolutely essential to whole-hearted living, I told these 500 people that I had a breakdown. I had a slide that said 'Breakdown.' At what point did I think that was a good idea?" (Laughter)
1:17
And she said, "I saw your talk live-streamed. It was not really you. It was a little different than what you usually do. But it was great." And I said, "This can't happen. YouTube, they're putting this thing on YouTube. And we're going to be talking about 600, 700 people." (Laughter) And she said, "Well, I think it's too late."
1:42
And I said, "Let me ask you something." And she said, "Yeah." I said, "Do you remember when we were in college, really wild and kind of dumb?" She said, "Yeah." I said, "Remember when we'd leave a really bad message on our ex-boyfriend's answering machine? Then we'd have to break into his dorm room and then erase the tape?" (Laughter) And she goes, "Uh... no." (Laughter) Of course, the only thing I could say at that point was, "Yeah, me neither. Yeah -- me neither."
2:15
And I'm thinking to myself, "Brené, what are you doing? Why did you bring this up? Have you lost your mind? Your sisters would be perfect for this." (Laughter) So I looked back up and she said, "Are you really going to try to break in and steal the video before they put it on YouTube?" (Laughter) And I said, "I'm just thinking about it a little bit." (Laughter) She said, "You're like the worst vulnerability role model ever." (Laughter) Then I looked at her and I said something that at the time felt a little dramatic, but ended up being more prophetic than dramatic. "If 500 turns into 1,000 or 2,000, my life is over." (Laughter) I had no contingency plan for four million.
3:12
(Laughter)
3:16
And my life did end when that happened. And maybe the hardest part about my life ending is that I learned something hard about myself, and that was that, as much as I would be frustrated about not being able to get my work out to the world, there was a part of me that was working very hard to engineer staying small, staying right under the radar. But I want to talk about what I've learned.
3:46
There's two things that I've learned in the last year. The first is: vulnerability is not weakness. And that myth is profoundly dangerous. Let me ask you honestly -- and I'll give you this warning, I'm trained as a therapist, so I can out-wait you uncomfortably -- so if you could just raise your hand that would be awesome -- how many of you honestly, when you're thinking about doing or saying something vulnerable think, "God, vulnerability is weakness." How many of you think of vulnerability and weakness synonymously? The majority of people. Now let me ask you this question: This past week at TED, how many of you, when you saw vulnerability up here, thought it was pure courage? Vulnerability is not weakness. I define vulnerability as emotional risk, exposure, uncertainty. It fuels our daily lives. And I've come to the belief -- this is my 12th year doing this research -- that vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage -- to be vulnerable, to let ourselves be seen, to be honest.
5:09
One of the weird things that's happened is, after the TED explosion, I got a lot of offers to speak all over the country -- everyone from schools and parent meetings to Fortune 500 companies. And so many of the calls went like this, "Dr. Brown, we loved your TED talk. We'd like you to come in and speak. We'd appreciate it if you wouldn't mention vulnerability or shame." (Laughter) What would you like for me to talk about? There's three big answers. This is mostly, to be honest with you, from the business sector: innovation, creativity and change. (Laughter) So let me go on the record and say, vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change. (Applause) To create is to make something that has never existed before. There's nothing more vulnerable than that. Adaptability to change is all about vulnerability.
6:22
The second thing, in addition to really finally understanding the relationship between vulnerability and courage, the second thing I learned, is this: We have to talk about shame. And I'm going to be really honest with you. When I became a "vulnerability researcher" and that became the focus because of the TED talk -- and I'm not kidding.
6:47
I'll give you an example. About three months ago, I was in a sporting goods store buying goggles and shin guards and all the things that parents buy at the sporting goods store. About from a hundred feet away, this is what I hear: "Vulnerability TED! Vulnerability TED!" (Laughter) (Laughter ends) I'm a fifth-generation Texan. Our family motto is "Lock and load." I am not a natural vulnerability researcher. So I'm like, just keep walking, she's on my six. (Laughter) And then I hear, "Vulnerability TED!" I turn around, I go, "Hi." She's right here and she said, "You're the shame researcher who had the breakdown." (Laughter) At this point, parents are, like, pulling their children close. (Laughter) "Look away." And I'm so worn out at this point in my life, I look at her and I actually say, "It was a fricking spiritual awakening."
8:00
(Laughter)
8:02
(Applause)
8:04
And she looks back and does this, "I know." (Laughter) And she said, "We watched your TED talk in my book club. Then we read your book and we renamed ourselves 'The Breakdown Babes.'" (Laughter) And she said, "Our tagline is: 'We're falling apart and it feels fantastic.'" (Laughter) You can only imagine what it's like for me in a faculty meeting. (Sighs)
8:36
So when I became Vulnerability TED, like an action figure -- Like Ninja Barbie, but I'm Vulnerability TED -- I thought, I'm going to leave that shame stuff behind, because I spent six years studying shame before I started writing and talking about vulnerability. And I thought, thank God, because shame is this horrible topic, no one wants to talk about it. It's the best way to shut people down on an airplane. "What do you do?" "I study shame." "Oh." (Laughter) And I see you. (Laughter)
9:13
But in surviving this last year, I was reminded of a cardinal rule -- not a research rule, but a moral imperative from my upbringing -- "you've got to dance with the one who brung ya". And I did not learn about vulnerability and courage and creativity and innovation from studying vulnerability. I learned about these things from studying shame. And so I want to walk you in to shame. Jungian analysts call shame the swampland of the soul. And we're going to walk in. And the purpose is not to walk in and construct a home and live there. It is to put on some galoshes -- and walk through and find our way around. Here's why.
10:11
We heard the most compelling call ever to have a conversation in this country, and I think globally, around race, right? Yes? We heard that. Yes? Cannot have that conversation without shame. Because you cannot talk about race without talking about privilege. And when people start talking about privilege, they get paralyzed by shame. We heard a brilliant simple solution to not killing people in surgery, which is, have a checklist. You can't fix that problem without addressing shame, because when they teach those folks how to suture, they also teach them how to stitch their self-worth to being all-powerful. And all-powerful folks don't need checklists.
10:58
And I had to write down the name of this TED Fellow so I didn't mess it up here. Myshkin Ingawale, I hope I did right by you. (Applause) I saw the TED Fellows my first day here. And he got up and he explained how he was driven to create some technology to help test for anemia, because people were dying unnecessarily. And he said, "I saw this need. So you know what I did? I made it." And everybody just burst into applause, and they were like "Yes!" And he said, "And it didn't work. (Laughter) And then I made it 32 more times, and then it worked."
11:35
You know what the big secret about TED is? I can't wait to tell people this. I guess I'm doing it right now. (Laughter) This is like the failure conference. (Laughter) No, it is. (Applause) You know why this place is amazing? Because very few people here are afraid to fail. And no one who gets on the stage, so far that I've seen, has not failed. I've failed miserably, many times. I don't think the world understands that, because of shame.
12:09
There's a great quote that saved me this past year by Theodore Roosevelt. A lot of people refer to it as the "Man in the Arena" quote. And it goes like this: "It is not the critic who counts. It is not the man who sits and points out how the doer of deeds could have done things better and how he falls and stumbles. The credit goes to the man in the arena whose face is marred with dust and blood and sweat. But when he's in the arena, at best, he wins, and at worst, he loses, but when he fails, when he loses, he does so daring greatly."
12:50
And that's what this conference, to me, is about. Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena. When you walk up to that arena and you put your hand on the door, and you think, "I'm going in and I'm going to try this," shame is the gremlin who says, "Uh, uh. You're not good enough. You never finished that MBA. Your wife left you. I know your dad really wasn't in Luxembourg, he was in Sing Sing. I know those things that happened to you growing up. I know you don't think that you're pretty, smart, talented or powerful enough. I know your dad never paid attention, even when you made CFO." Shame is that thing.
13:31
And if we can quiet it down and walk in and say, "I'm going to do this," we look up and the critic that we see pointing and laughing, 99 percent of the time is who? Us. Shame drives two big tapes -- "never good enough" -- and, if you can talk it out of that one, "who do you think you are?" The thing to understand about shame is, it's not guilt. Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is "I am bad." Guilt is "I did something bad." How many of you, if you did something that was hurtful to me, would be willing to say, "I'm sorry. I made a mistake?" How many of you would be willing to say that? Guilt: I'm sorry. I made a mistake. Shame: I'm sorry. I am a mistake.
14:24
There's a huge difference between shame and guilt. And here's what you need to know. Shame is highly, highly correlated with addiction, depression, violence, aggression, bullying, suicide, eating disorders. And here's what you even need to know more. Guilt, inversely correlated with those things. The ability to hold something we've done or failed to do up against who we want to be is incredibly adaptive. It's uncomfortable, but it's adaptive.
14:58
The other thing you need to know about shame is it's absolutely organized by gender. If shame washes over me and washes over Chris, it's going to feel the same. Everyone sitting in here knows the warm wash of shame. We're pretty sure that the only people who don't experience shame are people who have no capacity for connection or empathy. Which means, yes, I have a little shame; no, I'm a sociopath. So I would opt for, yes, you have a little shame. Shame feels the same for men and women, but it's organized by gender.
15:33
For women, the best example I can give you is Enjoli, the commercial. "I can put the wash on the line, pack the lunches, hand out the kisses and be at work at five to nine. I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan and never let you forget you're a man." For women, shame is, do it all, do it perfectly and never let them see you sweat. I don't know how much perfume that commercial sold, but I guarantee you, it moved a lot of antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds. (Laughter) Shame, for women, is this web of unobtainable, conflicting, competing expectations about who we're supposed to be. And it's a straight-jacket.
16:22
For men, shame is not a bunch of competing, conflicting expectations. Shame is one, do not be perceived as what? Weak. I did not interview men for the first four years of my study. It wasn't until a man looked at me after a book signing, and said, "I love what say about shame, I'm curious why you didn't mention men." And I said, "I don't study men." And he said, "That's convenient." (Laughter) And I said, "Why?" And he said, "Because you say to reach out, tell our story, be vulnerable. But you see those books you just signed for my wife and my three daughters?" I said, "Yeah." "They'd rather me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall down. When we reach out and be vulnerable, we get the shit beat out of us. And don't tell me it's from the guys and the coaches and the dads. Because the women in my life are harder on me than anyone else."
17:29
So I started interviewing men and asking questions. And what I learned is this: You show me a woman who can actually sit with a man in real vulnerability and fear, I'll show you a woman who's done incredible work. You show me a man who can sit with a woman who's just had it, she can't do it all anymore, and his first response is not, "I unloaded the dishwasher!" (Laughter) But he really listens -- because that's all we need -- I'll show you a guy who's done a lot of work.
18:03
Shame is an epidemic in our culture. And to get out from underneath it -- to find our way back to each other, we have to understand how it affects us and how it affects the way we're parenting, the way we're working, the way we're looking at each other. Very quickly, some research by Mahalik at Boston College. He asked, what do women need to do to conform to female norms? The top answers in this country: nice, thin, modest and use all available resources for appearance. (Laughter) When he asked about men, what do men in this country need to do to conform with male norms, the answers were: always show emotional control, work is first, pursue status and violence.
18:54
If we're going to find our way back to each other, we have to understand and know empathy, because empathy's the antidote to shame. If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive. The two most powerful words when we're in struggle: me too.
19:18
And so I'll leave you with this thought. If we're going to find our way back to each other, vulnerability is going to be that path. And I know it's seductive to stand outside the arena, because I think I did it my whole life, and think to myself, I'm going to go in there and kick some ass when I'm bulletproof and when I'm perfect. And that is seductive. But the truth is, that never happens. And even if you got as perfect as you could and as bulletproof as you could possibly muster when you got in there, that's not what we want to see. We want you to go in. We want to be with you and across from you. And we just want, for ourselves and the people we care about and the people we work with, to dare greatly.
0:13
I'm going to tell you a little bit about my TEDxHouston Talk. I woke up the morning after I gave that talk with the worst vulnerability hangover of my life. And I actually didn't leave my house for about three days.
0:31
The first time I left was to meet a friend for lunch. And when I walked in, she was already at the table. I sat down, and she said, "God, you look like hell." I said, "Thanks. I feel really -- I'm not functioning." And she said, "What's going on?" And I said, "I just told 500 people that I became a researcher to avoid vulnerability. And that when being vulnerable emerged from my data, as absolutely essential to whole-hearted living, I told these 500 people that I had a breakdown. I had a slide that said 'Breakdown.' At what point did I think that was a good idea?" (Laughter)
1:17
And she said, "I saw your talk live-streamed. It was not really you. It was a little different than what you usually do. But it was great." And I said, "This can't happen. YouTube, they're putting this thing on YouTube. And we're going to be talking about 600, 700 people." (Laughter) And she said, "Well, I think it's too late."
1:42
And I said, "Let me ask you something." And she said, "Yeah." I said, "Do you remember when we were in college, really wild and kind of dumb?" She said, "Yeah." I said, "Remember when we'd leave a really bad message on our ex-boyfriend's answering machine? Then we'd have to break into his dorm room and then erase the tape?" (Laughter) And she goes, "Uh... no." (Laughter) Of course, the only thing I could say at that point was, "Yeah, me neither. Yeah -- me neither."
2:15
And I'm thinking to myself, "Brené, what are you doing? Why did you bring this up? Have you lost your mind? Your sisters would be perfect for this." (Laughter) So I looked back up and she said, "Are you really going to try to break in and steal the video before they put it on YouTube?" (Laughter) And I said, "I'm just thinking about it a little bit." (Laughter) She said, "You're like the worst vulnerability role model ever." (Laughter) Then I looked at her and I said something that at the time felt a little dramatic, but ended up being more prophetic than dramatic. "If 500 turns into 1,000 or 2,000, my life is over." (Laughter) I had no contingency plan for four million.
3:12
(Laughter)
3:16
And my life did end when that happened. And maybe the hardest part about my life ending is that I learned something hard about myself, and that was that, as much as I would be frustrated about not being able to get my work out to the world, there was a part of me that was working very hard to engineer staying small, staying right under the radar. But I want to talk about what I've learned.
3:46
There's two things that I've learned in the last year. The first is: vulnerability is not weakness. And that myth is profoundly dangerous. Let me ask you honestly -- and I'll give you this warning, I'm trained as a therapist, so I can out-wait you uncomfortably -- so if you could just raise your hand that would be awesome -- how many of you honestly, when you're thinking about doing or saying something vulnerable think, "God, vulnerability is weakness." How many of you think of vulnerability and weakness synonymously? The majority of people. Now let me ask you this question: This past week at TED, how many of you, when you saw vulnerability up here, thought it was pure courage? Vulnerability is not weakness. I define vulnerability as emotional risk, exposure, uncertainty. It fuels our daily lives. And I've come to the belief -- this is my 12th year doing this research -- that vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage -- to be vulnerable, to let ourselves be seen, to be honest.
5:09
One of the weird things that's happened is, after the TED explosion, I got a lot of offers to speak all over the country -- everyone from schools and parent meetings to Fortune 500 companies. And so many of the calls went like this, "Dr. Brown, we loved your TED talk. We'd like you to come in and speak. We'd appreciate it if you wouldn't mention vulnerability or shame." (Laughter) What would you like for me to talk about? There's three big answers. This is mostly, to be honest with you, from the business sector: innovation, creativity and change. (Laughter) So let me go on the record and say, vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change. (Applause) To create is to make something that has never existed before. There's nothing more vulnerable than that. Adaptability to change is all about vulnerability.
6:22
The second thing, in addition to really finally understanding the relationship between vulnerability and courage, the second thing I learned, is this: We have to talk about shame. And I'm going to be really honest with you. When I became a "vulnerability researcher" and that became the focus because of the TED talk -- and I'm not kidding.
6:47
I'll give you an example. About three months ago, I was in a sporting goods store buying goggles and shin guards and all the things that parents buy at the sporting goods store. About from a hundred feet away, this is what I hear: "Vulnerability TED! Vulnerability TED!" (Laughter) (Laughter ends) I'm a fifth-generation Texan. Our family motto is "Lock and load." I am not a natural vulnerability researcher. So I'm like, just keep walking, she's on my six. (Laughter) And then I hear, "Vulnerability TED!" I turn around, I go, "Hi." She's right here and she said, "You're the shame researcher who had the breakdown." (Laughter) At this point, parents are, like, pulling their children close. (Laughter) "Look away." And I'm so worn out at this point in my life, I look at her and I actually say, "It was a fricking spiritual awakening."
8:00
(Laughter)
8:02
(Applause)
8:04
And she looks back and does this, "I know." (Laughter) And she said, "We watched your TED talk in my book club. Then we read your book and we renamed ourselves 'The Breakdown Babes.'" (Laughter) And she said, "Our tagline is: 'We're falling apart and it feels fantastic.'" (Laughter) You can only imagine what it's like for me in a faculty meeting. (Sighs)
8:36
So when I became Vulnerability TED, like an action figure -- Like Ninja Barbie, but I'm Vulnerability TED -- I thought, I'm going to leave that shame stuff behind, because I spent six years studying shame before I started writing and talking about vulnerability. And I thought, thank God, because shame is this horrible topic, no one wants to talk about it. It's the best way to shut people down on an airplane. "What do you do?" "I study shame." "Oh." (Laughter) And I see you. (Laughter)
9:13
But in surviving this last year, I was reminded of a cardinal rule -- not a research rule, but a moral imperative from my upbringing -- "you've got to dance with the one who brung ya". And I did not learn about vulnerability and courage and creativity and innovation from studying vulnerability. I learned about these things from studying shame. And so I want to walk you in to shame. Jungian analysts call shame the swampland of the soul. And we're going to walk in. And the purpose is not to walk in and construct a home and live there. It is to put on some galoshes -- and walk through and find our way around. Here's why.
10:11
We heard the most compelling call ever to have a conversation in this country, and I think globally, around race, right? Yes? We heard that. Yes? Cannot have that conversation without shame. Because you cannot talk about race without talking about privilege. And when people start talking about privilege, they get paralyzed by shame. We heard a brilliant simple solution to not killing people in surgery, which is, have a checklist. You can't fix that problem without addressing shame, because when they teach those folks how to suture, they also teach them how to stitch their self-worth to being all-powerful. And all-powerful folks don't need checklists.
10:58
And I had to write down the name of this TED Fellow so I didn't mess it up here. Myshkin Ingawale, I hope I did right by you. (Applause) I saw the TED Fellows my first day here. And he got up and he explained how he was driven to create some technology to help test for anemia, because people were dying unnecessarily. And he said, "I saw this need. So you know what I did? I made it." And everybody just burst into applause, and they were like "Yes!" And he said, "And it didn't work. (Laughter) And then I made it 32 more times, and then it worked."
11:35
You know what the big secret about TED is? I can't wait to tell people this. I guess I'm doing it right now. (Laughter) This is like the failure conference. (Laughter) No, it is. (Applause) You know why this place is amazing? Because very few people here are afraid to fail. And no one who gets on the stage, so far that I've seen, has not failed. I've failed miserably, many times. I don't think the world understands that, because of shame.
12:09
There's a great quote that saved me this past year by Theodore Roosevelt. A lot of people refer to it as the "Man in the Arena" quote. And it goes like this: "It is not the critic who counts. It is not the man who sits and points out how the doer of deeds could have done things better and how he falls and stumbles. The credit goes to the man in the arena whose face is marred with dust and blood and sweat. But when he's in the arena, at best, he wins, and at worst, he loses, but when he fails, when he loses, he does so daring greatly."
12:50
And that's what this conference, to me, is about. Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena. When you walk up to that arena and you put your hand on the door, and you think, "I'm going in and I'm going to try this," shame is the gremlin who says, "Uh, uh. You're not good enough. You never finished that MBA. Your wife left you. I know your dad really wasn't in Luxembourg, he was in Sing Sing. I know those things that happened to you growing up. I know you don't think that you're pretty, smart, talented or powerful enough. I know your dad never paid attention, even when you made CFO." Shame is that thing.
13:31
And if we can quiet it down and walk in and say, "I'm going to do this," we look up and the critic that we see pointing and laughing, 99 percent of the time is who? Us. Shame drives two big tapes -- "never good enough" -- and, if you can talk it out of that one, "who do you think you are?" The thing to understand about shame is, it's not guilt. Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is "I am bad." Guilt is "I did something bad." How many of you, if you did something that was hurtful to me, would be willing to say, "I'm sorry. I made a mistake?" How many of you would be willing to say that? Guilt: I'm sorry. I made a mistake. Shame: I'm sorry. I am a mistake.
14:24
There's a huge difference between shame and guilt. And here's what you need to know. Shame is highly, highly correlated with addiction, depression, violence, aggression, bullying, suicide, eating disorders. And here's what you even need to know more. Guilt, inversely correlated with those things. The ability to hold something we've done or failed to do up against who we want to be is incredibly adaptive. It's uncomfortable, but it's adaptive.
14:58
The other thing you need to know about shame is it's absolutely organized by gender. If shame washes over me and washes over Chris, it's going to feel the same. Everyone sitting in here knows the warm wash of shame. We're pretty sure that the only people who don't experience shame are people who have no capacity for connection or empathy. Which means, yes, I have a little shame; no, I'm a sociopath. So I would opt for, yes, you have a little shame. Shame feels the same for men and women, but it's organized by gender.
15:33
For women, the best example I can give you is Enjoli, the commercial. "I can put the wash on the line, pack the lunches, hand out the kisses and be at work at five to nine. I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan and never let you forget you're a man." For women, shame is, do it all, do it perfectly and never let them see you sweat. I don't know how much perfume that commercial sold, but I guarantee you, it moved a lot of antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds. (Laughter) Shame, for women, is this web of unobtainable, conflicting, competing expectations about who we're supposed to be. And it's a straight-jacket.
16:22
For men, shame is not a bunch of competing, conflicting expectations. Shame is one, do not be perceived as what? Weak. I did not interview men for the first four years of my study. It wasn't until a man looked at me after a book signing, and said, "I love what say about shame, I'm curious why you didn't mention men." And I said, "I don't study men." And he said, "That's convenient." (Laughter) And I said, "Why?" And he said, "Because you say to reach out, tell our story, be vulnerable. But you see those books you just signed for my wife and my three daughters?" I said, "Yeah." "They'd rather me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall down. When we reach out and be vulnerable, we get the shit beat out of us. And don't tell me it's from the guys and the coaches and the dads. Because the women in my life are harder on me than anyone else."
17:29
So I started interviewing men and asking questions. And what I learned is this: You show me a woman who can actually sit with a man in real vulnerability and fear, I'll show you a woman who's done incredible work. You show me a man who can sit with a woman who's just had it, she can't do it all anymore, and his first response is not, "I unloaded the dishwasher!" (Laughter) But he really listens -- because that's all we need -- I'll show you a guy who's done a lot of work.
18:03
Shame is an epidemic in our culture. And to get out from underneath it -- to find our way back to each other, we have to understand how it affects us and how it affects the way we're parenting, the way we're working, the way we're looking at each other. Very quickly, some research by Mahalik at Boston College. He asked, what do women need to do to conform to female norms? The top answers in this country: nice, thin, modest and use all available resources for appearance. (Laughter) When he asked about men, what do men in this country need to do to conform with male norms, the answers were: always show emotional control, work is first, pursue status and violence.
18:54
If we're going to find our way back to each other, we have to understand and know empathy, because empathy's the antidote to shame. If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive. The two most powerful words when we're in struggle: me too.
19:18
And so I'll leave you with this thought. If we're going to find our way back to each other, vulnerability is going to be that path. And I know it's seductive to stand outside the arena, because I think I did it my whole life, and think to myself, I'm going to go in there and kick some ass when I'm bulletproof and when I'm perfect. And that is seductive. But the truth is, that never happens. And even if you got as perfect as you could and as bulletproof as you could possibly muster when you got in there, that's not what we want to see. We want you to go in. We want to be with you and across from you. And we just want, for ourselves and the people we care about and the people we work with, to dare greatly.
Art used as a de stressor.
May 2015. Art used as a de stressor.
Colouring and painting de stresses both the Child and the Adult and has been a favourite past time since caveman days. British painter David Hockney explored the art of finger painting (on an iPad) "These gestures are as old as humans are,"
Long Island University Art Historian Maureen Nappi was reported to say "Go back to cave paintings, they're using finger movements to articulate creative expressions."
We naturally have an ability to draw, though some more advanced and some more creative than others. Where as reading is deemed a learnt human behaviour; we do not naturally have the skills to read. Drawing is innate in us all.
Carl G. Jüng a psychologist in the early 20th century used colouring as one of his therapies. Using mandalas originated from India: these are circular designs with concentric shapes.
We activate different areas of our brain mainly the two cerebral hemispheres.
"The action involves both logic, by which we colour form, and have creativity, when mixing and matching colours."
"This incorporates the areas of the cerebral cortex involved in vision and fine motor skills; coordination necessary to make small, precise movements. The relaxation that it provides lowers the activity of the amygdala, a basic part of our brain involved in controlling emotion that is affected by stress. (Psychologist Gloria Martínez Ayala)
Colouring has a de-stressing effect because we focus on the fine detail of the activity, as we tune into the Art of colouring we tune out from our stresses. It is also thought that it "brings out our imagination and takes us back to our childhood, a period in which we most certainly had a lot less stressful for most people."
Pablo Picasso once said: "Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up"
Like colouring, the paper art of origami engages both the left and right sides of the brain at once. Concentration in the creative task lets your brain tune out of the Stressing factors.
"Origami is an example of 'schematic learning through repeatable actions," which is used in both frontal lobe learning and behaviour strategy work. Taro's Origami Studio in Brooklyn proclaims. "For many, it engenders a patience that leads to pride in one’s work, the ability to focus energy, and increased self-esteem" (cited in National Arts Programme).
References:
http://www.nationalartsprogram.org/news/these-12-childhood-art-techniques-can-help-adults-relieve-stress accessed 26th February 2015.
G. Martínez Ayala
P. Picasso
M. Nappi
D. Hockney
Colouring and painting de stresses both the Child and the Adult and has been a favourite past time since caveman days. British painter David Hockney explored the art of finger painting (on an iPad) "These gestures are as old as humans are,"
Long Island University Art Historian Maureen Nappi was reported to say "Go back to cave paintings, they're using finger movements to articulate creative expressions."
We naturally have an ability to draw, though some more advanced and some more creative than others. Where as reading is deemed a learnt human behaviour; we do not naturally have the skills to read. Drawing is innate in us all.
Carl G. Jüng a psychologist in the early 20th century used colouring as one of his therapies. Using mandalas originated from India: these are circular designs with concentric shapes.
We activate different areas of our brain mainly the two cerebral hemispheres.
"The action involves both logic, by which we colour form, and have creativity, when mixing and matching colours."
"This incorporates the areas of the cerebral cortex involved in vision and fine motor skills; coordination necessary to make small, precise movements. The relaxation that it provides lowers the activity of the amygdala, a basic part of our brain involved in controlling emotion that is affected by stress. (Psychologist Gloria Martínez Ayala)
Colouring has a de-stressing effect because we focus on the fine detail of the activity, as we tune into the Art of colouring we tune out from our stresses. It is also thought that it "brings out our imagination and takes us back to our childhood, a period in which we most certainly had a lot less stressful for most people."
Pablo Picasso once said: "Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up"
Like colouring, the paper art of origami engages both the left and right sides of the brain at once. Concentration in the creative task lets your brain tune out of the Stressing factors.
"Origami is an example of 'schematic learning through repeatable actions," which is used in both frontal lobe learning and behaviour strategy work. Taro's Origami Studio in Brooklyn proclaims. "For many, it engenders a patience that leads to pride in one’s work, the ability to focus energy, and increased self-esteem" (cited in National Arts Programme).
References:
http://www.nationalartsprogram.org/news/these-12-childhood-art-techniques-can-help-adults-relieve-stress accessed 26th February 2015.
G. Martínez Ayala
P. Picasso
M. Nappi
D. Hockney
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)