Spare the Rod spoil the child.

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"Spare the rod, Spoil the child" 

This saying has always made me think.The understanding of most people of this is simply incorrect. People assume and think of the Rod as a tool to hit with, to punish, like the cane. It comes from Proverbs chapter 13 verse 24.

[24] He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes. (King James Version).

But when we look to Psalm chapter 23 verse 4 I will fear no evil,  for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. We see "Thy Rod and thy Staff they comfort me" this completely changes the meaning of the rod, it becomes clear that neither the Rod nor Staff should be feared. They are used for the positive not the negative as assumed by people in Proverbs 13 v 24.

They are a source of direction and comfort. The rod, for a shepherd, was used to guide the sheep; it was not used to strike a sheep or beat a sheep. A sheep is very low to the ground and can be quick, it is awkward to bend over and guide one or few at the same time. The rod can be used as a temporary barrier or guide for the sheep to go around. Thus changing the path of the sheep to the desired one. The shepherd changes from a Authoritarian person (threat and punishment) but to a Authoritative person (guidance in learning without threat) one that looks after his sheep with discipline not through punishment, punishing them. 

The way children learn is by getting it wrong, doing it again, it getting better maybe next time this alongside encouragement, guidance and understanding from their parents. Guidance of a child is constant, they need to be guided though with gentle nudges and the placing and re placing of these learning obstacles. Then a child is encouraged to proper or better their choices, they then can modify their behaviour, keeping themselves in check.  

This requires patience, repetition and endurance of the shepherd /the parent /the guardian. Discipline is not a quick fix, it is how human people learn. So be the staff that they lean on for support or you use to help support them and use the rod to help keep them on the right track through guidance. 

Let's not beat our children any more.... But respectfully teach and guide. 

Guilt and remorse.

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•What is Guilt?

Guilt is an awareness of having done wrong.

•A moral dilemma in correctness.

•Often accompanied by remorse and regret.

•A wish to correct wrong doing.

Experience of Guilt.

•Guilt focuses on behaviour of the child not the self.

•Guilt is less painful on self than shame.

•Guilt is an experience of tenseness, remorse and regret.

•Guilt is the wanting to put right the wrong. 

Guilt is externalisation of self.

Guilt is the concern; how it effects others due to self behaviour rather than the effects on self.

•Guilt is ones desire to own up (truth about behaviours), apologise (saying sorry) and amending the wrong doing (to make it better).

How do we tell we have Guilt not Shame?

•Guilt is defined when the sense of self remains intact and valued.

Does not blame, avoid or deny other for actions of self.

Is able to accept wrong doing and be remorseful (say sorry) and want to amend (make it better).

Can we learn guilt?

•Yes it can be learnt and felt….not over night and its not a quick fix… but it can be managed.

•For those in a Shame Blame cycle that cycle needs to be addressed first and then guilt and remorse will follow.

*Disclaimer. Please note Information and Information from first hand experience has been noted and collected over years and we apologise for any non referenced work or quotes. This is not intentional. Referencing may change as source information comes to light.

References:

Mrs J. Moore 2009

•Adoption UK 2009

•Banardos 2009

Blame and shame cycle.

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What is shame?

Shame is a negative emotion that combines feelings of dishonour, unworthiness and embarrassment of the self.

•Shame is a focus of the self, internal working model.

•Shame is for the person that does not have guilt and remorse.

Why shift the blame?

•A need to externalize the problem away from self; directing it at the 'supposed or assumed' source of the problem; often in anger. 

It is not something they can internalise due to their lack of self.

•Shame is oneself split between feeling devalued and scrutinised.

•Avoidance in affective interactions with parents and others.

•They have to shift the blame elsewhere, parent, teacher, sibling; to make themselves manage extreme feelings; its always someone else’s fault, never their own.

Belief in shame:

Belief of the child is that parents are being motivated by -negative intentions… -of harm…

•Which in returns attacks the self, so protection of self is paramount (basic need to protect self to live). Without protection of self a human instinct is to fear death. 

The effects of shame:

•Shame is much more painful on self than guilt.

•Shame gives sense of experiences of feeling small, worthless and powerless…..this then attacks self….self protection becomes paramount.

•Shame is a self concern; with others thoughts of oneself.

•Shame gives a desire to hide, attack or escape. (Freeze, fight and flight primitive response and basic need to protect self to live).

Why do children and people have shame?

•Children who have been abused will have shame, children who have Authoritarian punishment parenting will have shame….. They may have no sense of self due the environments they are in/have been in.

•Many will have Shame and blame and they will not have guilt and remorse ability, they will not be able to be sorry for what they have done. Why would you be sorry for protecting self and living?

•Many will blame everyone else for their wrong doing…..they will not accept the faults for themselves….it is too painful for the self.

Can it be changed?

•YES you can turn around Shame and Blame cycles into guilt remorse cycles but it does not happen over night….

•Shame needs to be worked through and guilt and remorse to take over.

•It is a long process to get children out of a shame blame cycle into a guilt remorse cycle…….and you need specialist help in doing it!

References:

•Mrs J.Moore 2009

•Adoption UK 2009

*Disclaimer. Please note Information and Information from first hand experience has been noted and collected over years and we apologise for any non referenced work or quotes. This is not intentional. Referencing may change as source information comes to light.

What kind of parent are you?

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Styles of parenting have an impact on children, for the optimum outcome for your child you need an Authoratitive style to your parenting.

There are 4 styles:
Authoritarian: based on threat punishment to get your child to do what is required by the adult. Harsh boundaries with no exceptions, setting child up to fail so punishment can be given. Control and power over child to child's detriment.

Authoritative: based on discipline (not punishment), frontal lobe learning; guidance and support in what to do next time, learning for the future.

Permissive: based on inconsistent discipline and punishment as well as relaxed to harsh boundaries. This giving no consistency for the growing infant.

Non conformist: based on not conforming to authority bodies or persons in authority.

Where do we need to strive to?
Authoritative parenting: positive emotion response parenting, it forms connections in the frontal lobes in the brain. Enabling children to cope and manage better. The basis again is reflection, empathy, guidance and learning.

Empathy; Why they don't get it..?

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Yes it is frustrating when your child does not show empathy, does not care how others feel, does not own their actions and does not feel any responsibility but blame others (shame blame cycle).

For many people Empathy is not there; they show sympathy but putting their view across, or to add their experience and story. Empathy means standing in the another persons story and feelings without adding your story or feelings.

Many parents don't show Empathy (it's sympathy) as their emotions are involved, it's their story and life that is impacted. To teach our children empathy we need to understand for them what it's like, their story, their feelings; without judgement, without criticism, without blame. (Modeling is important).

Empathy needs a degree of 'Theory of Mind' to look at another's view point. Empathy needs no blame or shame cycle living. Empathy needs to be taught to most people.

It's like a brick wall, with bricks and cement missing, it still stands, but the basic structure and foundation is not there. If you push it or the wind blows too hard it falls down, if you don't put in the original bricks you have to replace; but it's never as good as the original.
We have to work out a way of putting back the basic foundation by underpinning (re wiring and going back to basics)...
We need to complete the missing bricks to build the walls structure again but then continually do the rendering...

We just don't always have the time in our favour... But we do have support, patience, consistency and discipline to offer and empathy if it's been learnt.