Blame and shame cycle.

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What is shame?

Shame is a negative emotion that combines feelings of dishonour, unworthiness and embarrassment of the self.

•Shame is a focus of the self, internal working model.

•Shame is for the person that does not have guilt and remorse.

Why shift the blame?

•A need to externalize the problem away from self; directing it at the 'supposed or assumed' source of the problem; often in anger. 

It is not something they can internalise due to their lack of self.

•Shame is oneself split between feeling devalued and scrutinised.

•Avoidance in affective interactions with parents and others.

•They have to shift the blame elsewhere, parent, teacher, sibling; to make themselves manage extreme feelings; its always someone else’s fault, never their own.

Belief in shame:

Belief of the child is that parents are being motivated by -negative intentions… -of harm…

•Which in returns attacks the self, so protection of self is paramount (basic need to protect self to live). Without protection of self a human instinct is to fear death. 

The effects of shame:

•Shame is much more painful on self than guilt.

•Shame gives sense of experiences of feeling small, worthless and powerless…..this then attacks self….self protection becomes paramount.

•Shame is a self concern; with others thoughts of oneself.

•Shame gives a desire to hide, attack or escape. (Freeze, fight and flight primitive response and basic need to protect self to live).

Why do children and people have shame?

•Children who have been abused will have shame, children who have Authoritarian punishment parenting will have shame….. They may have no sense of self due the environments they are in/have been in.

•Many will have Shame and blame and they will not have guilt and remorse ability, they will not be able to be sorry for what they have done. Why would you be sorry for protecting self and living?

•Many will blame everyone else for their wrong doing…..they will not accept the faults for themselves….it is too painful for the self.

Can it be changed?

•YES you can turn around Shame and Blame cycles into guilt remorse cycles but it does not happen over night….

•Shame needs to be worked through and guilt and remorse to take over.

•It is a long process to get children out of a shame blame cycle into a guilt remorse cycle…….and you need specialist help in doing it!

References:

•Mrs J.Moore 2009

•Adoption UK 2009

*Disclaimer. Please note Information and Information from first hand experience has been noted and collected over years and we apologise for any non referenced work or quotes. This is not intentional. Referencing may change as source information comes to light.