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Rage is beyond the angry or distressed child. Those who live with children in rage cycles know how difficult this can be to manage. If the child can talk fluently it is a power based rage, if the child can not talk fluently and is emotional in response it is distress rage.
Rage is an emotional response which has gone out of control, the brain frontal lobes has gone off line. There is no guilt, no remorse, no consequence, no limits or boundaries.
Rage (power) physical reaction biting, hitting out, throwing, hurting others, thrashing, swearing, without stopping.
Rage (distress) physical reaction in hurting themselves, pulling at selves, uncontrollable crying and emotions, self harm, manic reactions.
For these children a secure safe containment is needed; easier said than done. As the children are in a state of hyper arousal they need people around them to contain them, they can not manage themselves.
Parents need to learn safe holding techniques, a parent carer must be calm without emotion in doing this. This needs to be done so they feel safe so the opioids and oxytocin brain chemicals are released. Verbal dialogue should be calm reassuring not blaming and angry; this will only heighten responses.
Rage system are caused by slow immature systems of dopamine and noradrenaline, easy distraction, impulsiveness, unfocused, unable to define or redefine, manic behaviours.
Rage systems are produced by parent carers unconsciously or consciously not responding to their child's needs of safety, fair boundaries, rupture and repair cycle, blame shame cycle, incorrect distress tantrums management and incorrect power tantrum management.
It can be corrected, given the right management.
Thursday 29 May 2014
Brain basics...
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We are born with two parts of our brains operating the third develops after birth.
The primal part of our brain has not been changed by evolution.
-hunger response
-digestion
-elimination
- breathing
-circulation
-temperature control
-movement
-posture
-instincts
- flight, fight, freeze flop reactions
All done without our conscious awareness.
The mammalian part of our brain triggers emotional responses.
-joy
-fear
-rage
-separation distress
-nurturing care
-social bonding
-exploration
-fun and playfulness
-linked to control of the primitive brain
-lust (later adolescence and adults only)
Triggered unconsciously but can be controlled consciously with help from frontal lobes on start of reaction.
The frontal lobes is the part of our brain which develops after birth. Responsive parenting develops frontal lobes.
-problem solving
-learning
-creativity
-reasoning
-reflection
-self awareness
-empathy
-right and wrong
-cause and effect
-altruistic
These are learnt, reproduced, maintained by the child's environment and social contact. Even children with difficulties can learn these skills, it may take a long time compared to others, constant repetition and much patience as well as constant boundaries, authoritative reflection and empathy; but the brain can do it!
When the frontal lobes is cut off from the other parts of the brain (in cases of harsh authoritarian parenting and child abuse) this can cause cruelty in a person.
We are born with two parts of our brains operating the third develops after birth.
The primal part of our brain has not been changed by evolution.
-hunger response
-digestion
-elimination
- breathing
-circulation
-temperature control
-movement
-posture
-instincts
- flight, fight, freeze flop reactions
All done without our conscious awareness.
The mammalian part of our brain triggers emotional responses.
-joy
-fear
-rage
-separation distress
-nurturing care
-social bonding
-exploration
-fun and playfulness
-linked to control of the primitive brain
-lust (later adolescence and adults only)
Triggered unconsciously but can be controlled consciously with help from frontal lobes on start of reaction.
The frontal lobes is the part of our brain which develops after birth. Responsive parenting develops frontal lobes.
-problem solving
-learning
-creativity
-reasoning
-reflection
-self awareness
-empathy
-right and wrong
-cause and effect
-altruistic
These are learnt, reproduced, maintained by the child's environment and social contact. Even children with difficulties can learn these skills, it may take a long time compared to others, constant repetition and much patience as well as constant boundaries, authoritative reflection and empathy; but the brain can do it!
When the frontal lobes is cut off from the other parts of the brain (in cases of harsh authoritarian parenting and child abuse) this can cause cruelty in a person.
Boundaries
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Boundaries.
A framework of do and don't instructions to keep self safe.
Children look for boundaries, they need to know the adults around them are going to keep them safe, contained, that they are in charge and in control.
If children are winning the struggles, they feel more powerful but feel unsafe causing primal brain reactions.
They test more and more looking for those strong boundaries, they will test until they get them, then test to see if the parent carer means it. Everything is tested again and again.
At 1 year old children start to develop behaviour patterns and start to test boundaries, between 16 months an 3 years they really start to test boundaries. Children need to gracefully loose these power struggles learning boundaries and rules. Some learn quicker than others. This is a very important development stage and if struggles are not lost, boundaries are not in place they will continue to test until they are.
N/B See Tantrums, power tantrums.
Setting boundaries is hard work but pays off in the end.
Do not give your child an audience, walk away or remove them from public others. If there is no one there it is not fun. They don't win. If you are there or another person is there doing and seeing they are winning.
Do not negotiate or reason with them; this is rewarding controlling behaviour; they win the struggle if you do.
If there is an argument dialogue this is rewarding negative unwanted behaviours; they are winning if you do.
Do not try and persuade: this is negative attention, they win.
Do not try and make it better, this rewarding negative behaviour; they win.
So how do you win?
Give firm clear instructions of what is required.
Give firm clear no's.
Control your emotive self.
Deal firmly to child's demand -firmly say unacceptable behaviour to correct wanted behaviour. Do not give verbal or eye contact whilst behaviour is not acceptable, carry on with what you are doing or remove self to do something else.
Give reflective talk once they are calm, focus on what they need to do next time not what they did. Confirm boundary required.
Use stories to look and discuss behaviours.
Use puppets to reflect the story and behaviour need to do.
If hurting use time out; making clear it is never okay to hurt someone, zero tolerance should be used for hurting, with reflection of what must be done instead next time.
N/B See rage.
Once the behaviour has resolved it is important to repair the rupture, so your child know you love them unconditionally. It's about learning what is or should be. This does not mean rewarding them for bad behaviour by trying to make it better or giving them things. It means you carry on with life as it is leaving the behaviour in the past taking possible new skills with them for next time.
Boundaries.
A framework of do and don't instructions to keep self safe.
Children look for boundaries, they need to know the adults around them are going to keep them safe, contained, that they are in charge and in control.
If children are winning the struggles, they feel more powerful but feel unsafe causing primal brain reactions.
They test more and more looking for those strong boundaries, they will test until they get them, then test to see if the parent carer means it. Everything is tested again and again.
At 1 year old children start to develop behaviour patterns and start to test boundaries, between 16 months an 3 years they really start to test boundaries. Children need to gracefully loose these power struggles learning boundaries and rules. Some learn quicker than others. This is a very important development stage and if struggles are not lost, boundaries are not in place they will continue to test until they are.
N/B See Tantrums, power tantrums.
Setting boundaries is hard work but pays off in the end.
Do not give your child an audience, walk away or remove them from public others. If there is no one there it is not fun. They don't win. If you are there or another person is there doing and seeing they are winning.
Do not negotiate or reason with them; this is rewarding controlling behaviour; they win the struggle if you do.
If there is an argument dialogue this is rewarding negative unwanted behaviours; they are winning if you do.
Do not try and persuade: this is negative attention, they win.
Do not try and make it better, this rewarding negative behaviour; they win.
So how do you win?
Give firm clear instructions of what is required.
Give firm clear no's.
Control your emotive self.
Deal firmly to child's demand -firmly say unacceptable behaviour to correct wanted behaviour. Do not give verbal or eye contact whilst behaviour is not acceptable, carry on with what you are doing or remove self to do something else.
Give reflective talk once they are calm, focus on what they need to do next time not what they did. Confirm boundary required.
Use stories to look and discuss behaviours.
Use puppets to reflect the story and behaviour need to do.
If hurting use time out; making clear it is never okay to hurt someone, zero tolerance should be used for hurting, with reflection of what must be done instead next time.
N/B See rage.
Once the behaviour has resolved it is important to repair the rupture, so your child know you love them unconditionally. It's about learning what is or should be. This does not mean rewarding them for bad behaviour by trying to make it better or giving them things. It means you carry on with life as it is leaving the behaviour in the past taking possible new skills with them for next time.
Tuesday 27 May 2014
Tantrums!
Copyright. Please ask for permission to use, referencing source is required.
What are tantrums?
-overwhelming feelings
-emotional pain reactions
-frontal lobe immaturity; they have not yet formed key pathways which connect to the primal brain.
-frustration explosion
-disappointment reaction
Tantrums are normal in a child development, they are the emotional regulation of a child's feelings during brain development. Children have to learn to gracefully loose the control over adult battle.
Rage, fear and separation distress systems area babies survival tool; designed for primary carers responses to care, this protection from predators (think back to cave man; not being eaten by predators)
It is an art, a skill to manage tantrums, the parent needs to be
-mindful of themselves
-manage own intense feeling
-manage own intense reactions
What kind of tantrums are there?
-power
-distress
Distress Tantrums.
Distress tantrums are when things go wrong, disappointment, loss, sadness, fear, anxiety, unwellness, frustrations occur. These are powerful emotions for children.
They need comfort, sensitive handling, understanding, calmness and empathy. Primal brain reactions and increased cortisol levels. Due to immature frontal lobes this means they CANT manage these feelings on their own, they need you to help regulate them. Children in distress states ca not communicate well and may not be able to speak. Their frontal lobes have been flooded with cortisols and have been taken off line.
What to do to manage distress tantrums:
-hold lovingly
-reflective talk to the child
-empathy talk to the child
-use distraction
-time in with carer to relax
N/B Time out must NOT be given to a distressed child, this would be harmful for the child's stress and de stress regulators in the brain.
Power Tantrums.
Some tantrums are motivated by a wish to control and manipulate parents. These must be treated differently from distress tantrums. There is no panic, distress, anguish shown. There are no stress cortisols flooding the brain. In power tantrums the children can communicate clearly what they 'want or don't want' as their frontal lobes are working.
It is deliberate and calculated they are trying to get what they want, when they want it, regardless.
'I shout, I make a fuss, I get what I want!'
Children need to know and learn that they can't have everything they want all of the time. That it is not okay to bully or control people unkindly to get what they want. Giving in sets up a trigger for rage. Without reasoned thinking or rational thought rage becomes personality. With the rage system uncontrolled they become power seekers who rule at home or other environments. This brings misery to all involved.
What to do to manage power tantrums:
-boundaries set do NOT negotiate
-consistency means each time is same routine same outcome
-no talking
-no eye contact
-no facial responses
-only talk to them on completion of the tantrum
-do not give an audience; remove self, remove child to own safe space, remove others around child if required.
N/B when the primal brain is in control your child is not being 'naughty'. It is an immaturity of the human brain. The frontal lobes have not yet matured. The child needs help not varying degrees of punishments. This being done through frontal lobe authoritative style parenting; reflection and empathy.
What are tantrums?
-overwhelming feelings
-emotional pain reactions
-frontal lobe immaturity; they have not yet formed key pathways which connect to the primal brain.
-frustration explosion
-disappointment reaction
Tantrums are normal in a child development, they are the emotional regulation of a child's feelings during brain development. Children have to learn to gracefully loose the control over adult battle.
Rage, fear and separation distress systems area babies survival tool; designed for primary carers responses to care, this protection from predators (think back to cave man; not being eaten by predators)
It is an art, a skill to manage tantrums, the parent needs to be
-mindful of themselves
-manage own intense feeling
-manage own intense reactions
What kind of tantrums are there?
-power
-distress
Distress Tantrums.
Distress tantrums are when things go wrong, disappointment, loss, sadness, fear, anxiety, unwellness, frustrations occur. These are powerful emotions for children.
They need comfort, sensitive handling, understanding, calmness and empathy. Primal brain reactions and increased cortisol levels. Due to immature frontal lobes this means they CANT manage these feelings on their own, they need you to help regulate them. Children in distress states ca not communicate well and may not be able to speak. Their frontal lobes have been flooded with cortisols and have been taken off line.
What to do to manage distress tantrums:
-hold lovingly
-reflective talk to the child
-empathy talk to the child
-use distraction
-time in with carer to relax
N/B Time out must NOT be given to a distressed child, this would be harmful for the child's stress and de stress regulators in the brain.
Power Tantrums.
Some tantrums are motivated by a wish to control and manipulate parents. These must be treated differently from distress tantrums. There is no panic, distress, anguish shown. There are no stress cortisols flooding the brain. In power tantrums the children can communicate clearly what they 'want or don't want' as their frontal lobes are working.
It is deliberate and calculated they are trying to get what they want, when they want it, regardless.
'I shout, I make a fuss, I get what I want!'
Children need to know and learn that they can't have everything they want all of the time. That it is not okay to bully or control people unkindly to get what they want. Giving in sets up a trigger for rage. Without reasoned thinking or rational thought rage becomes personality. With the rage system uncontrolled they become power seekers who rule at home or other environments. This brings misery to all involved.
What to do to manage power tantrums:
-boundaries set do NOT negotiate
-consistency means each time is same routine same outcome
-no talking
-no eye contact
-no facial responses
-only talk to them on completion of the tantrum
-do not give an audience; remove self, remove child to own safe space, remove others around child if required.
N/B when the primal brain is in control your child is not being 'naughty'. It is an immaturity of the human brain. The frontal lobes have not yet matured. The child needs help not varying degrees of punishments. This being done through frontal lobe authoritative style parenting; reflection and empathy.
Cortisols V Opoid cycles...
Copyright. Please ask for permission to use, referencing source is required.
Cortisols are hormones produced by the adrenal glands to help us humans respond to stress.
Cortisols can be harmful to your child's brain. Long term stress causes cortisol so to stay around and cause sensitivity and anxiety.
If negative contact is made; being shouted at, criticism verbalised or physical punished and ignored these hormones are blocked and not released. The longer this is allowed to happen, the higher the stressed state and more the long term damage is done.
The Cortisol cycle.
Cortisols -overwhelmed -fearful -unhappy -perception of thoughts and feelings - sense of threat - adrenaline -heart goes faster -release of glucose -fat released -high energy -strong feelings -anxiety, anger, aggression. Outcome becomes negative.
Comfort through voice and touch can turn off the cortisols. When positive physical or verbal contact is given from the parent to the child the brain is flooded with oxytocins and opioids.
Opioid and Oxytocin cycle.
Cortisols -overwhelmed -positive touch -empathy -reflection - release of opioids -release of oxytocins -reduction of stress -a child who is helped.
A child that is made to feel safe and supported, calm internally, ease with themselves and responsive to those around them; the outcome are then positive.
These are import cycles of hormones in rupture and repair of the carer child relationships and attachment of the child with the primary carer, these can make a difference to the positive or negative outcome in the social environments of the child.
The cortisol cycle giving a negative outcome and the opioid and oxytocin giving a positive outcome.
Cortisols are hormones produced by the adrenal glands to help us humans respond to stress.
Cortisols can be harmful to your child's brain. Long term stress causes cortisol so to stay around and cause sensitivity and anxiety.
If negative contact is made; being shouted at, criticism verbalised or physical punished and ignored these hormones are blocked and not released. The longer this is allowed to happen, the higher the stressed state and more the long term damage is done.
The Cortisol cycle.
Cortisols -overwhelmed -fearful -unhappy -perception of thoughts and feelings - sense of threat - adrenaline -heart goes faster -release of glucose -fat released -high energy -strong feelings -anxiety, anger, aggression. Outcome becomes negative.
Comfort through voice and touch can turn off the cortisols. When positive physical or verbal contact is given from the parent to the child the brain is flooded with oxytocins and opioids.
Opioid and Oxytocin cycle.
Cortisols -overwhelmed -positive touch -empathy -reflection - release of opioids -release of oxytocins -reduction of stress -a child who is helped.
A child that is made to feel safe and supported, calm internally, ease with themselves and responsive to those around them; the outcome are then positive.
These are import cycles of hormones in rupture and repair of the carer child relationships and attachment of the child with the primary carer, these can make a difference to the positive or negative outcome in the social environments of the child.
The cortisol cycle giving a negative outcome and the opioid and oxytocin giving a positive outcome.
Tuesday 20 May 2014
Sunday 18 May 2014
Punishment and discipline.
Copyright. Please ask for permission to use, referencing source is required.
"Spare the rod, Spoil the child"
This saying has always made me think. I never believed what people thought it meant and I realised the understanding of most people of this is simply incorrect. People assume and think of the Rod as a tool to hit with, to punish, like the cane. It comes from Proverbs chapter 13 verse 24.
He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes. (King James Version).
But when we look to Psalm chapter 23 verse 4 I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. We see "Thy Rod and thy Staff they comfort me" this completely changes the meaning of the rod, it becomes clear that neither the Rod nor Staff should be feared. They are used for the positive not the negative as assumed by people in the words of Proverbs 13 v 24.
They are a source of direction and comfort. The rod, for a shepherd, was used to guide the sheep; it was not used to strike a sheep or beat a sheep. A sheep is very low to the ground and can be quick, it is awkward to bend over and guide one or few at the same time. The rod can be used as a temporary barrier or guide for the sheep to go around. Thus changing the path of the sheep to the desired one. With this thought the shepherd/ parent/ guardian changes from a Authoritarian person (threat and punishment) but to a Authoritative person (guidance in learning without threat) one that looks after his sheep with discipline not through punishment, punishing them. The staff is to lean on and to keep balance on uneven ground, life is an uneven ground and children use parents for support constantly leaning on then throughout childhood.
The way children learn is by getting it wrong, doing it again, it getting better maybe next time this alongside encouragement, guidance and understanding from their parents. Guidance of a child is constant, they need to be guided though with gentle nudges and the placing and re placing of these learning obstacles. Then a child is encouraged to proper or better their choices, they then can modify their behaviour, keeping themselves in check.
This requires patience, repetition and endurance of the shepherd /the parent /the guardian. Discipline is not a quick fix, but it is how human people learn. So be the staff that they lean on for support or you use to help support them and use the rod to help keep them on the right track through guidance.
Let's not beat our children any more.... But respectfully teach and guide.
Forsyth. J. K. (2014) Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child.
"Spare the rod, Spoil the child"
This saying has always made me think. I never believed what people thought it meant and I realised the understanding of most people of this is simply incorrect. People assume and think of the Rod as a tool to hit with, to punish, like the cane. It comes from Proverbs chapter 13 verse 24.
He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes. (King James Version).
But when we look to Psalm chapter 23 verse 4 I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. We see "Thy Rod and thy Staff they comfort me" this completely changes the meaning of the rod, it becomes clear that neither the Rod nor Staff should be feared. They are used for the positive not the negative as assumed by people in the words of Proverbs 13 v 24.
They are a source of direction and comfort. The rod, for a shepherd, was used to guide the sheep; it was not used to strike a sheep or beat a sheep. A sheep is very low to the ground and can be quick, it is awkward to bend over and guide one or few at the same time. The rod can be used as a temporary barrier or guide for the sheep to go around. Thus changing the path of the sheep to the desired one. With this thought the shepherd/ parent/ guardian changes from a Authoritarian person (threat and punishment) but to a Authoritative person (guidance in learning without threat) one that looks after his sheep with discipline not through punishment, punishing them. The staff is to lean on and to keep balance on uneven ground, life is an uneven ground and children use parents for support constantly leaning on then throughout childhood.
The way children learn is by getting it wrong, doing it again, it getting better maybe next time this alongside encouragement, guidance and understanding from their parents. Guidance of a child is constant, they need to be guided though with gentle nudges and the placing and re placing of these learning obstacles. Then a child is encouraged to proper or better their choices, they then can modify their behaviour, keeping themselves in check.
This requires patience, repetition and endurance of the shepherd /the parent /the guardian. Discipline is not a quick fix, but it is how human people learn. So be the staff that they lean on for support or you use to help support them and use the rod to help keep them on the right track through guidance.
Let's not beat our children any more.... But respectfully teach and guide.
Forsyth. J. K. (2014) Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child.
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