Boundaries

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Boundaries.

A framework of do and don't instructions to keep self safe.

Children look for boundaries, they need to know the adults around them are going to keep them safe, contained, that they are in charge and in control.
If children are winning the struggles, they feel more powerful but feel unsafe causing primal brain reactions.

They test more and more looking for those strong boundaries, they will test until they get them, then test to see if the parent carer means it. Everything is tested again and again.

At 1 year old children start to develop behaviour patterns and start to test boundaries, between 16 months an 3 years they really start to test boundaries. Children need to gracefully loose these power struggles learning boundaries and rules. Some learn quicker than others. This is a very important development stage and if struggles are not lost, boundaries are not in place they will continue to test until they are.

N/B See Tantrums, power tantrums.

Setting boundaries is hard work but pays off in the end.
Do not give your child an audience, walk away or remove them from public others. If there is no one there it is not fun. They don't win. If you are there or another person is there doing and seeing they are winning.
Do not negotiate or reason with them; this is rewarding controlling behaviour; they win the struggle if you do.
If there is an argument dialogue this is rewarding negative unwanted behaviours; they are winning if you do.
Do not try and persuade: this is negative attention, they win.
Do not try and make it better, this rewarding negative behaviour; they win.

So how do you win?
Give firm clear instructions of what is required.
Give firm clear no's.
Control your emotive self.
Deal firmly to child's demand -firmly say unacceptable behaviour to correct wanted behaviour. Do not give verbal or eye contact whilst behaviour is not acceptable, carry on with what you are doing or remove self to do something else.

Give reflective talk once they are calm, focus on what they need to do next time not what they did. Confirm boundary required.
Use stories to look and discuss behaviours.
Use puppets to reflect the story and behaviour need to do.

If hurting use time out; making clear it is never okay to hurt someone, zero tolerance should be used for hurting, with reflection of what must be done instead next time.

N/B See rage.

Once the behaviour has resolved it is important to repair the rupture, so your child know you love them unconditionally. It's about learning what is or should be. This does not mean rewarding them for bad behaviour by trying to make it better or giving them things. It means you carry on with life as it is leaving the behaviour in the past taking possible new skills with them for next time.