Tantrums!

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What are tantrums?
-overwhelming feelings
-emotional pain reactions
-frontal lobe immaturity; they have not yet formed key pathways which connect to the primal brain.
-frustration explosion
-disappointment reaction
Tantrums are normal in a child development, they are the emotional regulation of a child's feelings during brain development. Children have to learn to gracefully loose the control over adult battle.
Rage, fear and separation distress systems area babies survival tool; designed for primary carers responses to care, this protection from predators (think back to cave man; not being eaten by predators)

It is an art, a skill to manage tantrums, the parent needs to be
-mindful of themselves
-manage own intense feeling
-manage own intense reactions

What kind of tantrums are there?
-power
-distress

Distress Tantrums.
Distress tantrums are when things go wrong, disappointment, loss, sadness, fear, anxiety, unwellness, frustrations occur. These are powerful emotions for children.
They need comfort, sensitive handling, understanding, calmness and empathy. Primal brain reactions and increased cortisol levels. Due to immature frontal lobes this means they CANT manage these feelings on their own, they need you to help regulate them. Children in distress states ca not communicate well and may not be able to speak. Their frontal lobes have been flooded with cortisols and have been taken off line.

What to do to manage distress tantrums:
-hold lovingly
-reflective talk to the child
-empathy talk to the child
-use distraction
-time in with carer to relax

N/B Time out must NOT be given to a distressed child, this would be harmful for the child's stress and de stress regulators in the brain.


Power Tantrums.
Some tantrums are motivated by a wish to control and manipulate parents. These must be treated differently from distress tantrums. There is no panic, distress, anguish shown. There are no stress cortisols flooding the brain. In power tantrums the children can communicate clearly what they 'want or don't want' as their frontal lobes are working.
It is deliberate and calculated they are trying to get what they want, when they want it, regardless.
'I shout, I make a fuss, I get what I want!'
Children need to know and learn that they can't have everything they want all of the time. That it is not okay to bully or control people unkindly to get what they want. Giving in sets up a trigger for rage. Without reasoned thinking or rational thought rage becomes personality. With the rage system uncontrolled they become power seekers who rule at home or other environments. This brings misery to all involved.

What to do to manage power tantrums:
-boundaries set do NOT negotiate
-consistency means each time is same routine same outcome
-no talking
-no eye contact
-no  facial responses
-only talk to them on completion of the tantrum
-do not give an audience; remove self, remove child to own safe space, remove others around child if required.

N/B when the primal brain is in control your child is not being 'naughty'. It is an immaturity of the human brain. The frontal lobes have not yet matured. The child needs help not varying degrees of punishments. This being done through frontal lobe authoritative style parenting; reflection and empathy.