Self awareness and Self Consciousness explained...

Permission must be sought to use this material subject to copyright.  January 2015.

Self awareness: self awareness is having a conscious knowledge of one’s own character, one's own feelings, one's own motives, and one's own desires (oxford dictionary).

Self consciousness: An excessive awareness of being observed by others. Conscious of oneself or one's own being. Aware of oneself as an individual or of one's own being, actions, or thoughts. Socially ill at ease and unduly aware of oneself as the object of the attention of others; conscious of one's existence (oxford dictionary).

Self Awareness is having a clear perception of your own personality within being an individual not being swayed by other people characteristics. This includes awareness and acceptance of not only the strengths but the weaknesses of oneself. It is a clarity and trueness in your own thoughts and your own beliefs not changing to suit the social environment around you. It's knowing about what motivates you, an individual motivation rather than a collective. Self aware is knowing about your emotions, not only in personal direct experience but also in worldly, social and environment matters; what makes you tick, likes, dislikes, what makes you react and what doesn't.
Self Awareness makes you more aware to understand other social people, it allows you to see how those social others perceive you. It part of the attitude, the judgement, the discrimination one has to a social other and the responses you give to them in the any moment of time. To be self aware is an heightened awareness of all you do, say and are in any moment of time.

Self consciousness seems to be divided in to two sub categories one seen as a detriment and the other of benefit. At a detriment the person becomes excessively aware of others observations, thoughts and comments of, this bringing an uneasy social awkwardness because the attention is maybe not wanted or warranted for that matter (bullying/abuse). However we must note that a persons heightened awareness maybe coming from self protection (historic and/or present) having to be aware of surroundings due to physical discomfort, threat or emotional discomfort.
The other self awareness that could be seen as detriment is when there is a pre occupation with oneself, an obsession with ones physical appearance, constant attentive behaviours to keep self in an immaculate condition.
At the benefit of the person being aware of oneself as an individual and that of your own physical being in space and time. Knowing your actions can act as the social values you hold, being in control and conscious of the deeds you do; both in wrong and right doings.
Some people are habitually or characteristically more self-conscious than others: feelings of self-consciousness are sometimes associated with shyness, embarrassment rather than paranoia.

Spare the Rod spoil the child.

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"Spare the rod, Spoil the child" 

This saying has always made me think.The understanding of most people of this is simply incorrect. People assume and think of the Rod as a tool to hit with, to punish, like the cane. It comes from Proverbs chapter 13 verse 24.

[24] He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes. (King James Version).

But when we look to Psalm chapter 23 verse 4 I will fear no evil,  for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. We see "Thy Rod and thy Staff they comfort me" this completely changes the meaning of the rod, it becomes clear that neither the Rod nor Staff should be feared. They are used for the positive not the negative as assumed by people in Proverbs 13 v 24.

They are a source of direction and comfort. The rod, for a shepherd, was used to guide the sheep; it was not used to strike a sheep or beat a sheep. A sheep is very low to the ground and can be quick, it is awkward to bend over and guide one or few at the same time. The rod can be used as a temporary barrier or guide for the sheep to go around. Thus changing the path of the sheep to the desired one. The shepherd changes from a Authoritarian person (threat and punishment) but to a Authoritative person (guidance in learning without threat) one that looks after his sheep with discipline not through punishment, punishing them. 

The way children learn is by getting it wrong, doing it again, it getting better maybe next time this alongside encouragement, guidance and understanding from their parents. Guidance of a child is constant, they need to be guided though with gentle nudges and the placing and re placing of these learning obstacles. Then a child is encouraged to proper or better their choices, they then can modify their behaviour, keeping themselves in check.  

This requires patience, repetition and endurance of the shepherd /the parent /the guardian. Discipline is not a quick fix, it is how human people learn. So be the staff that they lean on for support or you use to help support them and use the rod to help keep them on the right track through guidance. 

Let's not beat our children any more.... But respectfully teach and guide. 

Guilt and remorse.

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•What is Guilt?

Guilt is an awareness of having done wrong.

•A moral dilemma in correctness.

•Often accompanied by remorse and regret.

•A wish to correct wrong doing.

Experience of Guilt.

•Guilt focuses on behaviour of the child not the self.

•Guilt is less painful on self than shame.

•Guilt is an experience of tenseness, remorse and regret.

•Guilt is the wanting to put right the wrong. 

Guilt is externalisation of self.

Guilt is the concern; how it effects others due to self behaviour rather than the effects on self.

•Guilt is ones desire to own up (truth about behaviours), apologise (saying sorry) and amending the wrong doing (to make it better).

How do we tell we have Guilt not Shame?

•Guilt is defined when the sense of self remains intact and valued.

Does not blame, avoid or deny other for actions of self.

Is able to accept wrong doing and be remorseful (say sorry) and want to amend (make it better).

Can we learn guilt?

•Yes it can be learnt and felt….not over night and its not a quick fix… but it can be managed.

•For those in a Shame Blame cycle that cycle needs to be addressed first and then guilt and remorse will follow.

*Disclaimer. Please note Information and Information from first hand experience has been noted and collected over years and we apologise for any non referenced work or quotes. This is not intentional. Referencing may change as source information comes to light.

References:

Mrs J. Moore 2009

•Adoption UK 2009

•Banardos 2009

Blame and shame cycle.

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What is shame?

Shame is a negative emotion that combines feelings of dishonour, unworthiness and embarrassment of the self.

•Shame is a focus of the self, internal working model.

•Shame is for the person that does not have guilt and remorse.

Why shift the blame?

•A need to externalize the problem away from self; directing it at the 'supposed or assumed' source of the problem; often in anger. 

It is not something they can internalise due to their lack of self.

•Shame is oneself split between feeling devalued and scrutinised.

•Avoidance in affective interactions with parents and others.

•They have to shift the blame elsewhere, parent, teacher, sibling; to make themselves manage extreme feelings; its always someone else’s fault, never their own.

Belief in shame:

Belief of the child is that parents are being motivated by -negative intentions… -of harm…

•Which in returns attacks the self, so protection of self is paramount (basic need to protect self to live). Without protection of self a human instinct is to fear death. 

The effects of shame:

•Shame is much more painful on self than guilt.

•Shame gives sense of experiences of feeling small, worthless and powerless…..this then attacks self….self protection becomes paramount.

•Shame is a self concern; with others thoughts of oneself.

•Shame gives a desire to hide, attack or escape. (Freeze, fight and flight primitive response and basic need to protect self to live).

Why do children and people have shame?

•Children who have been abused will have shame, children who have Authoritarian punishment parenting will have shame….. They may have no sense of self due the environments they are in/have been in.

•Many will have Shame and blame and they will not have guilt and remorse ability, they will not be able to be sorry for what they have done. Why would you be sorry for protecting self and living?

•Many will blame everyone else for their wrong doing…..they will not accept the faults for themselves….it is too painful for the self.

Can it be changed?

•YES you can turn around Shame and Blame cycles into guilt remorse cycles but it does not happen over night….

•Shame needs to be worked through and guilt and remorse to take over.

•It is a long process to get children out of a shame blame cycle into a guilt remorse cycle…….and you need specialist help in doing it!

References:

•Mrs J.Moore 2009

•Adoption UK 2009

*Disclaimer. Please note Information and Information from first hand experience has been noted and collected over years and we apologise for any non referenced work or quotes. This is not intentional. Referencing may change as source information comes to light.

What kind of parent are you?

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Styles of parenting have an impact on children, for the optimum outcome for your child you need an Authoratitive style to your parenting.

There are 4 styles:
Authoritarian: based on threat punishment to get your child to do what is required by the adult. Harsh boundaries with no exceptions, setting child up to fail so punishment can be given. Control and power over child to child's detriment.

Authoritative: based on discipline (not punishment), frontal lobe learning; guidance and support in what to do next time, learning for the future.

Permissive: based on inconsistent discipline and punishment as well as relaxed to harsh boundaries. This giving no consistency for the growing infant.

Non conformist: based on not conforming to authority bodies or persons in authority.

Where do we need to strive to?
Authoritative parenting: positive emotion response parenting, it forms connections in the frontal lobes in the brain. Enabling children to cope and manage better. The basis again is reflection, empathy, guidance and learning.

Empathy; Why they don't get it..?

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Yes it is frustrating when your child does not show empathy, does not care how others feel, does not own their actions and does not feel any responsibility but blame others (shame blame cycle).

For many people Empathy is not there; they show sympathy but putting their view across, or to add their experience and story. Empathy means standing in the another persons story and feelings without adding your story or feelings.

Many parents don't show Empathy (it's sympathy) as their emotions are involved, it's their story and life that is impacted. To teach our children empathy we need to understand for them what it's like, their story, their feelings; without judgement, without criticism, without blame. (Modeling is important).

Empathy needs a degree of 'Theory of Mind' to look at another's view point. Empathy needs no blame or shame cycle living. Empathy needs to be taught to most people.

It's like a brick wall, with bricks and cement missing, it still stands, but the basic structure and foundation is not there. If you push it or the wind blows too hard it falls down, if you don't put in the original bricks you have to replace; but it's never as good as the original.
We have to work out a way of putting back the basic foundation by underpinning (re wiring and going back to basics)...
We need to complete the missing bricks to build the walls structure again but then continually do the rendering...

We just don't always have the time in our favour... But we do have support, patience, consistency and discipline to offer and empathy if it's been learnt.

Rage systems

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Rage is beyond the angry or distressed child. Those who live with children in rage cycles know how difficult this can be to manage. If the child can talk fluently it is a power based rage, if the child can not talk fluently and is emotional in response it is distress rage.

Rage is an emotional response which has gone out of control, the brain frontal lobes has gone off line. There is no guilt, no remorse, no consequence, no limits or boundaries.

Rage (power) physical reaction biting, hitting out, throwing, hurting others, thrashing, swearing, without stopping.
Rage (distress) physical reaction in hurting themselves, pulling at selves, uncontrollable crying and emotions, self harm, manic reactions.

For these children a secure safe containment is needed; easier said than done. As the children are in a state of hyper arousal they need people around them to contain them, they can not manage themselves.
Parents need to learn safe holding techniques, a parent carer must be calm without emotion in doing this. This needs to be done so they feel safe so the opioids and oxytocin brain chemicals are released. Verbal dialogue should be calm reassuring not blaming and angry; this will only heighten responses.

Rage system are caused by slow immature systems of dopamine and noradrenaline, easy distraction, impulsiveness, unfocused, unable to define or redefine, manic behaviours.

Rage systems are produced by parent carers unconsciously or consciously not responding to their child's needs of safety, fair boundaries, rupture and repair cycle, blame shame cycle, incorrect distress tantrums management and incorrect power tantrum management.

It can be corrected, given the right management.

Brain basics...

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We are born with two parts of our brains operating the third develops after birth.

The primal part of our brain has not been changed by evolution.
-hunger response
-digestion
-elimination
- breathing
-circulation
-temperature control
-movement
-posture
-instincts
- flight, fight, freeze flop reactions

All done without our conscious awareness.

The mammalian part of our brain triggers emotional responses.
-joy
-fear
-rage
-separation distress
-nurturing care
-social bonding
-exploration
-fun and playfulness
-linked to control of the primitive brain
-lust (later adolescence and adults only)

Triggered unconsciously but can be controlled consciously with help from frontal lobes on start of reaction.

The frontal lobes is the part of our brain which develops after birth. Responsive parenting develops frontal lobes.
-problem solving
-learning
-creativity
-reasoning
-reflection
-self awareness
-empathy
-right and wrong
-cause and effect
-altruistic

These are learnt, reproduced, maintained by the child's environment and social contact. Even children with difficulties can learn these skills, it may take a long time compared to others, constant repetition and much patience as well as constant boundaries, authoritative reflection and empathy; but the brain can do it!
When the frontal lobes is cut off from the other parts of the brain (in cases of harsh authoritarian parenting and child abuse) this can cause cruelty in a person.

Boundaries

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Boundaries.

A framework of do and don't instructions to keep self safe.

Children look for boundaries, they need to know the adults around them are going to keep them safe, contained, that they are in charge and in control.
If children are winning the struggles, they feel more powerful but feel unsafe causing primal brain reactions.

They test more and more looking for those strong boundaries, they will test until they get them, then test to see if the parent carer means it. Everything is tested again and again.

At 1 year old children start to develop behaviour patterns and start to test boundaries, between 16 months an 3 years they really start to test boundaries. Children need to gracefully loose these power struggles learning boundaries and rules. Some learn quicker than others. This is a very important development stage and if struggles are not lost, boundaries are not in place they will continue to test until they are.

N/B See Tantrums, power tantrums.

Setting boundaries is hard work but pays off in the end.
Do not give your child an audience, walk away or remove them from public others. If there is no one there it is not fun. They don't win. If you are there or another person is there doing and seeing they are winning.
Do not negotiate or reason with them; this is rewarding controlling behaviour; they win the struggle if you do.
If there is an argument dialogue this is rewarding negative unwanted behaviours; they are winning if you do.
Do not try and persuade: this is negative attention, they win.
Do not try and make it better, this rewarding negative behaviour; they win.

So how do you win?
Give firm clear instructions of what is required.
Give firm clear no's.
Control your emotive self.
Deal firmly to child's demand -firmly say unacceptable behaviour to correct wanted behaviour. Do not give verbal or eye contact whilst behaviour is not acceptable, carry on with what you are doing or remove self to do something else.

Give reflective talk once they are calm, focus on what they need to do next time not what they did. Confirm boundary required.
Use stories to look and discuss behaviours.
Use puppets to reflect the story and behaviour need to do.

If hurting use time out; making clear it is never okay to hurt someone, zero tolerance should be used for hurting, with reflection of what must be done instead next time.

N/B See rage.

Once the behaviour has resolved it is important to repair the rupture, so your child know you love them unconditionally. It's about learning what is or should be. This does not mean rewarding them for bad behaviour by trying to make it better or giving them things. It means you carry on with life as it is leaving the behaviour in the past taking possible new skills with them for next time.

Tantrums!

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What are tantrums?
-overwhelming feelings
-emotional pain reactions
-frontal lobe immaturity; they have not yet formed key pathways which connect to the primal brain.
-frustration explosion
-disappointment reaction
Tantrums are normal in a child development, they are the emotional regulation of a child's feelings during brain development. Children have to learn to gracefully loose the control over adult battle.
Rage, fear and separation distress systems area babies survival tool; designed for primary carers responses to care, this protection from predators (think back to cave man; not being eaten by predators)

It is an art, a skill to manage tantrums, the parent needs to be
-mindful of themselves
-manage own intense feeling
-manage own intense reactions

What kind of tantrums are there?
-power
-distress

Distress Tantrums.
Distress tantrums are when things go wrong, disappointment, loss, sadness, fear, anxiety, unwellness, frustrations occur. These are powerful emotions for children.
They need comfort, sensitive handling, understanding, calmness and empathy. Primal brain reactions and increased cortisol levels. Due to immature frontal lobes this means they CANT manage these feelings on their own, they need you to help regulate them. Children in distress states ca not communicate well and may not be able to speak. Their frontal lobes have been flooded with cortisols and have been taken off line.

What to do to manage distress tantrums:
-hold lovingly
-reflective talk to the child
-empathy talk to the child
-use distraction
-time in with carer to relax

N/B Time out must NOT be given to a distressed child, this would be harmful for the child's stress and de stress regulators in the brain.


Power Tantrums.
Some tantrums are motivated by a wish to control and manipulate parents. These must be treated differently from distress tantrums. There is no panic, distress, anguish shown. There are no stress cortisols flooding the brain. In power tantrums the children can communicate clearly what they 'want or don't want' as their frontal lobes are working.
It is deliberate and calculated they are trying to get what they want, when they want it, regardless.
'I shout, I make a fuss, I get what I want!'
Children need to know and learn that they can't have everything they want all of the time. That it is not okay to bully or control people unkindly to get what they want. Giving in sets up a trigger for rage. Without reasoned thinking or rational thought rage becomes personality. With the rage system uncontrolled they become power seekers who rule at home or other environments. This brings misery to all involved.

What to do to manage power tantrums:
-boundaries set do NOT negotiate
-consistency means each time is same routine same outcome
-no talking
-no eye contact
-no  facial responses
-only talk to them on completion of the tantrum
-do not give an audience; remove self, remove child to own safe space, remove others around child if required.

N/B when the primal brain is in control your child is not being 'naughty'. It is an immaturity of the human brain. The frontal lobes have not yet matured. The child needs help not varying degrees of punishments. This being done through frontal lobe authoritative style parenting; reflection and empathy.

Cortisols V Opoid cycles...

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Cortisols are hormones produced by the adrenal glands to help us humans respond to stress.

Cortisols can be harmful to your child's brain. Long term stress causes cortisol so to stay around and cause sensitivity and anxiety.

If negative contact is made; being shouted at, criticism verbalised or physical punished and ignored these hormones are blocked and not released. The longer this is allowed to happen, the higher the stressed state and more the long term damage is done.

The Cortisol cycle.
Cortisols -overwhelmed -fearful -unhappy -perception of thoughts and feelings - sense of threat - adrenaline -heart goes faster -release of glucose -fat released -high energy -strong feelings -anxiety, anger, aggression. Outcome becomes negative.

Comfort through voice and touch can turn off the cortisols. When positive physical or verbal contact is given from the parent to the child the brain is flooded with oxytocins and opioids.

Opioid and Oxytocin cycle.
Cortisols -overwhelmed -positive touch -empathy -reflection - release of opioids -release of oxytocins -reduction of stress -a child who is helped.

A child that is made to feel safe and supported, calm internally, ease with themselves and responsive to those around them; the outcome are then positive.

These are import cycles of hormones in rupture and repair of the carer child relationships and attachment of the child with the primary carer, these can make a difference to the positive or negative outcome in the social environments of the child.

The cortisol cycle giving a negative outcome and the opioid and oxytocin giving a positive outcome.

Support for parents struggling with crying children.

http://www.cry-sis.org.uk/

http://www.nspcc.org.uk/help-and-advice/for-parents/positive-parenting-tips/crying-babies/crying-babies_wda96811.html

Recommended resources for Baby brain information

http://www.solihullapproachparenting.com/

Punishment and discipline.

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"Spare the rod, Spoil the child" 

This saying has always made me think. I never believed what people thought it meant and I realised the understanding of most people of this is simply incorrect. People assume and think of the Rod as a tool to hit with, to punish, like the cane. It comes from Proverbs chapter 13 verse 24.
He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes. (King James Version).

But when we look to Psalm chapter 23 verse 4 I will fear no evil,  for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. We see "Thy Rod and thy Staff they comfort me" this completely changes the meaning of the rod, it becomes clear that neither the Rod nor Staff should be feared. They are used for the positive not the negative as assumed by people in the words of Proverbs 13 v 24.

They are a source of direction and comfort. The rod, for a shepherd, was used to guide the sheep; it was not used to strike a sheep or beat a sheep. A sheep is very low to the ground and can be quick, it is awkward to bend over and guide one or few at the same time. The rod can be used as a temporary barrier or guide for the sheep to go around. Thus changing the path of the sheep to the desired one. With this thought the shepherd/ parent/ guardian changes from a Authoritarian person (threat and punishment) but to a Authoritative person (guidance in learning without threat) one that looks after his sheep with discipline not through punishment, punishing them. The staff is to lean on and to keep balance on uneven ground, life is an uneven ground and children use parents for support constantly leaning on then throughout childhood.

The way children learn is by getting it wrong, doing it again, it getting better maybe next time this alongside encouragement, guidance and understanding from their parents. Guidance of a child is constant, they need to be guided though with gentle nudges and the placing and re placing of these learning obstacles. Then a child is encouraged to proper or better their choices, they then can modify their behaviour, keeping themselves in check.  


This requires patience, repetition and endurance of the shepherd /the parent /the guardian. Discipline is not a quick fix, but it is how human people learn. So be the staff that they lean on for support or you use to help support them and use the rod to help keep them on the right track through guidance. 

Let's not beat our children any more.... But respectfully teach and guide. 

Forsyth. J. K. (2014) Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child.